Voices of Reason

The Tucson massacre has discharged a mass of commentary, my own included. Here are two of my favorites, the first, by Matt Bai of the NY Times, written just hours after the tragedy: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/09/us/politics/09bai.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=matt%20bai&st=cse

This second piece is an example of why Jon Stewart of The Daily Show has catapulted into one of the nation’s most thoughtful, believable and influential “newsmen” of today. As he did with end of year broadcasts credited with enhancing the chances for passage of the health benefits bill for Sept. 11 first responders, as he did with his Rally to Restore Sanity, the Comedy Central comedian/host tamped down the rhetoric and provided leadership and direction all too often missing from elected and self-appointed leaders. View the opening of last night’s show. It’ll be among the most rewarding nine minutes you’ll spend today: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-january-10-2011/arizona-shootings-reaction

I don’t want you to leave depressed or too morose, so here’s one of those Internet comical pieces one of my friends sent me, sure to make you laugh several times out loud and smile throughout as you’re reading it:

A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they leave.

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.