Food Edition: Meals, Drinks, IBD and Cookies

You are what you eat, we’ve been told time immemorial. If that’s true, we have lots to be sorry about for the regretful state of our health from overeating and overdrinking. 

Let’s start off with a whopper of a “hamburger” story, and I’m not referring to anything Burger King is trying to foist on consumers. Rather, the Arizona Cardinals football team has unveiled the Gridiron Challenge Burger as part of its new lineup of stadium food. 

I would get nauseated writing all the ingredients, so I’ll let you tease your appetite by listening to the makeup of this seven pound (yes, your read that correctly, seven pound) hamburger: https://youtu.be/AshJsEeo0PU.

Perhaps breakfast is the meal you like to binge on. Well, then head off to Minnesota to take a bite into McDonald’s new McGriddles French Toast sandwich, being tested in Gopher State units: https://dailym.ai/2vJxOs3.

Has all that heavy food made you thirsty? How about some free beer? Sounds too good to be true? Yer right, if you live in Cleveland. 

According to The Verge, “Bud Light has put together something special for the fans of the eternally suffering Cleveland Browns: Cleveland Browns Victory Fridges, a bunch of custom-made, internet-connected fridges that will only open when the Browns manage to snap their winless streak (currently at 17 games and counting)” https://www.theverge.com/circuitbreaker/2018/8/14/17690362/bud-light-wi-fi-connected-smart-fridge-cleveland-brown-losing-streak-win

Sports and beer—natural companions. So, too, are politics and beer. But not everyone can disassociate one’s feelings for a beer and a specific politician.

After a co-founder of Samuel Adams Beer reportedly thanked Donald Trump for tax cuts, Somerville, Mass.,  Mayor Joseph Curtatone tweeted, “I will never drink Sam Adam’s beer again!” http://time.com/5367515/joseph-curtatone-sam-adams-jim-koch-president-trump/

Maybe those hardy meals upset your stomach. Maybe it triggered some IBD (inflammatory bowel disease). No problem. Just puff away on some marijuana, purely for medicinal relief, mind you, say scientists: https://dailym.ai/2BawymM

Ever wonder why scientists have yet to find the cure for all cancers? Must be because they’re too busy working on such humanity-saving research as to the exact way to snap dry spaghetti into two equal pieces (https://www.foodandwine.com/news/break-dry-spaghetti-evenly).

Finally, let’s get the lawyers involved. Which creme-filled chocolate sandwich cookie do you prefer, an Oreo or a Hydrox? 

Until relatively recently, those who kept kosher couldn’t answer anything but Hydrox as Oreo’s ingredients included lard while Hyrdox used vegetable shortening. That changed 20 years ago when Oreo switched to vegetable shortening.

The taste battle has been joined by a battle for shelf space in supermarkets. In a complaint filed with the Federal Trade Commission, Hydrox is claiming Oreo is unfairly “hiding” its cookies on grocers’ shelves from consumers (https://www.foodandwine.com/news/oreo-hydrox-rivalry-ftc-complaint).

I’m officially neutral on this choice. At one time my breakfast consisted of four Oreo or Hydrox cookies dipped in milk. Both soothed my craving. Both, equally and unfortunately, coated my teeth in chocolate and contributed to my many youthful cavities.  

Trumping Christian Values Plus Déjà Vu Threeway

Though I keep few cookies around the house—I’m diabetic, you know—I’m thinking of ordering a box or two of the thin mints proffered by our local Girl Scout as a sign of solidarity with the organization after the Catholic archbishop of St. Louis questioned whether Girl Scouts are in sync with good Christian values. 

The Archdiocese of St. Louis is scaling back ties with the Scouts because of the organization’s support for transgender rights, homosexuality and other issues (http://nyti.ms/1Rq4Gcs).

Cookie protests are au courant these days, what with Donald Trump saying he has sworn off Oreos ever since Nabisco moved its bakeries to Mexico. But I digress. 

The hypocrisy of those professing to expound religious values can be seen from the accompanying link, courtesy of Francis X. Clines. You will note the archbishop is no angel when it comes to protecting children: http://nyti.ms/1Ljgmi7.

For another perspective on evangelical Christian values as they relate to support for Trump’s presidential candidacy, read Peter Wehner’s Op-Ed piece in The New York Times http://nyti.ms/1TNBU7P. If you have time and inclination, also read some of the thousand or so comments his column generated.

Trying to topple Trump has become a full-time job for Republican party apparatchiks and pundits. To no avail (at least until results of Super Tuesday are known). Comedian John Oliver spent 22 minutes of his TV show Sunday night defanging the Trump myth, including a segment on The Donald’s original family name—Drumpf. Again, if you have the time, it’s well worth the effort: https://youtu.be/DnpO_RTSNmQ.

If you can correctly state that a rotund figure like Chris Christie can angle for something, his endorsement of Trump means he is seeking the attorney general’s job in a Trump administration.

Christie and Trump share similar podium traits. They are bombastic bullies who enjoy shouting down protesters, with Trump going so far as to endorse Nazi-like tactics such as pummeling dissenters. How Christie, a former U.S. attorney, can support someone like Trump who has expressed unconstitutional thoughts, confirms the selfish vindictiveness he harbors and instills in his supporters whom we have already seen were willing to snarl traffic on the George Washington Bridge to punish the Fort Lee mayor for failing to endorse Christie’s re-election.

Déjà Vu Threeway: Reports circulated Monday that Republican Party establishment insiders are pondering the notion of backing a presidential run independent of the candidate chosen through the party’s primary system and ratified by the national convention if that candidate is named Donald Trump.

So let’s take this idea step by step to its logical conclusion:

1. Trump becomes the GOP candidate, enjoying second line status in polling stations across America.

2. GOP leaders engage in figurative hand-to-hand combat to choose an alternative slate acceptable to the Rubio-Cruz et al factions of the party.

3. Trump goes ballistic, raining down more fire on them than on the Democratic nominee.

4. Lets assume that nominee is Hillary Clinton.

5. Against a divided Republican field Hillary wins, thus becoming the second Clinton to win the presidency in a three-way race. For you young’uns, in 1992 Bill Clinton defeated incumbent president George H.W. Bush and independent Ross Perot.

6. I’ll repeat a previous forecast—assuming the Republicans maintain control of the House and Senate, they will attempt to impeach Hillary on charges related to alleged misuse of her private email server while secretary of state. 

Just keep in mind—we’re considered the greatest democracy in the world.

News of the Last Few Days

Reason to Celebrate: Sorry for the delay in reporting on my jubilee bar mitzvah day last Saturday. You can exhale now—all went well, especially Ellie’s singing. As usual, she emotionally charged the congregation, even bringing one woman to tears, according to our cantor.

As mentioned a few days ago, my secular birth date is March 6, a day I usually have associated with the fall of the Alamo. But thanks to an article in today’s NY Times, I can now relate March 6 to a happier occasion, the anniversary of the first sale by the National Biscuit Company (Nabisco) of an Oreo sandwich cookie in 1912. To control my blood sugar and triglycerides levels I no longer indulge in Oreo binges, but I just might buy a package to put out for the poker game I’m hosting that evening. Hopefully my friends will be kind enough to let me win for a change.


Hearing My Age: Overall, I thought the Academy Awards Sunday night was a feh, or in today’s word, meh, show. No real excitement. If the academy brain trust was trying to convince a younger audience that going to the movies was more special than watching a DVD at home or on your computer, they could have picked actors more readily identifiable with their demographic. Heck, even Adam Sandler, for all his adolescent movie persona, is 45.

As for Billy Crystal, what I could hear of his opening act was okay, but let me be honest, I couldn’t hear half of his lyrics either because he didn’t sing loud enough or the band overwhelmed him. And speaking of the band, the breakaway shots showing the band playing before commercials were really bad.


Playing Hooky: The bar mitzvah weekend was capped by a Saturday afternoon visit from our niece Julie, husband Matt and their children Maggie and Harrison. The kids were interested in playing with Finley who found it fun to be entertained by bigger folk just eight and six years his senior. Maggie, however, soon retreated to the couch and wasn’t feeling up to staying with us during dinner. She felt a little warm so Julie asked if we had a thermometer.

Under the mouth it went. By the time Dan found Finley’s Exergen Temporal Thermometer, the one you scan across the forehead, Maggie’s temperature clicked in at 101.2. The Exergen quickly recorded a temp just 0.1 degrees higher. By the next day Maggie was diagnosed with pneumonia, but she’s doing better today, glad to report.

Meanwhile, the Exergen lived up to its advertised claims as being easy to use and virtually mistake free. A far cry from a temperature-taking incident when Ellie was a little older than Finley’s two and a quarter years. We were using a rectal thermometer back then. Gilda stuck it in and during the three minutes it was supposed to reside in Ellie’s butt, my dear wife fell asleep. So did Ellie. When they awoke about two hours later, Ellie whimpered, “Mommy, the thermometer is still in my tushy.”

Yes, the Exergen Temporal Thermometer would prevent any such mishaps from occurring. But had such technology existed back in the 1980s we might well have missed such classic movies as E.T. and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, as Elliott and Ferris would not have been able to fake their illnesses to play hooky. Off they would have trooped to school.


Passing a Compliment: About 10 days ago Ellie complimented me for being “prolific.” At least I took it as a compliment. Anyway, it’s hard not to find something to write about when there’s so much going on and, with a discerning eye, so much worthy of comment or just simply noting.

Take, for example, a recent headline of an Op-Ed piece in the NY Times: “How to Halt the Butchery in Syria.” How could I not point out the irony of the author’s name: Anne-Marie Slaughter!?!

As long as we’re on the subject of Syria, the plaintive cries for help by those opposed to the Assad regime are heart-rending. But I wonder why it seems the cries are aimed at Western ears when it should be fellow Arabs that should be the first responders. It’s not as if Arab princes and potentates do not have the money or the means to provide relief.


Bottled Up: The economy is said to be improving, but the other day, for the first time in a long time, I noticed someone culling through the recycling bins on our cul de sac looking for redeemable bottles.


Back Page: Okay, after several comments from loyal readers wanting to know why I haven’t written about Jeremy Lin of the Knicks, let me remind people I am not a basketball fan. I did try a few times to see what all the hype was about, but every time I tuned into a game, Lin either was on the bench because the Knicks were way ahead or the Chinese-American sensation was in the middle of a not very productive stretch where he turned the ball over repeatedly and looked just plain overmatched. Still, there’s no denying the Knicks are playing better because of him.

P.S. I hope everyone noticed—no gratuitous Lin-puns.