Thursday, January 12, 2012

America of Our Past and Future

There are a lot of Independents, and even some disillusioned Democrats, who are hoping Mitt Romney, if elected president, will become the flip-flopper-in-chief, that his rightward leaning on social issues has been just a ploy to get the Republican nomination, that he will revert to the more progressive positions he held as governor of Massachusetts.

How na├»ve! If Romney, or any Republican, wins the keys to the White House later this year it would be in tandem with a conservative GOP sweep of both houses of Congress. In a twinkling of an eye we’ll again be living in a time when safety nets were relegated to circus tents alone.

Consider, if you will, what “restored American values” will mean to life in the teen years of the 21st century:

At first, there’ll be a wire hangar shortage as back alley practitioners of now banned abortions for any reason will stock up on the tools of their trade. Then, as the free enterprise system always does, “job creators” will open up new factories and production lines to meet the demand.

Of course, sordid locales and hangar-therapy isn’t for everyone. Rich women, read that Republican women, will still be able to undergo abortions either abroad or by licensed American doctors in the privacy of their medical suites. The doctors, after all, are mostly Republicans too, and now that health care no longer would be a universal right, they’ll be free to charge whatever they want, or the patient can afford. Since these women, or their paramours, are rich, well, the sky’s the limit.

In a Republican future, there’ll be no more coddling of the disabled or the infirm. No more Americans with Disabilities Act mandates on how business must run business. No more social security or Medicaid. Or Medicare. If the individual doesn’t have the resources to care for themselves, that’s their problem or their family’s problem. It’s not government’s job to provide a safety net. This country was built on the independent spirit and wherewithal of our citizens, and gosh darn it, we’re going back to those days when you relied on yourself. Don’t expect a handout from your Uncle Sam (unless you really do have a generous brother of your father or mother named Sam).

We’re going to be a religious country, and by that Republicans mean a Christian country. No more of this “happy holidays” malarkey. We all know it’s “Merry Christmas” we’re talking and singing about. Get over it Jews, Muslims, Hindus and atheists. We’re going back to a time when we all knew God blessed America and this country was one nation under God (though we never stated that in the Pledge of Allegiance before 1954). We’re going back to a time when men proudly wore designer white sheets and pointy white hats in public and openly hated anyone who wasn’t Protestant (not sure how Romney and his Mormon friends are going to finesse this one, but, heck, even Newt no longer is Protestant, Rick Santorum, unlike Gingrich, is a lifelong Catholic, and Jon Huntsman’s a fellow Mormon, so Mitt’ll have plenty of “cover” once the Evangelicals start shooting).

Speaking of shooting, the NRA will set up an indoor firing range in the basement of the White House, and, based on previously securing the right to carry even concealed guns into bars, will challenge the prohibition on toting firearms into the halls of Congress. That’ll put a muzzle on any Democratic attempt to restrict the bearing of arms.

Once in control of Congress and the White House, Republicans will do away with pre-school education programs. We won’t need them. Who better to rear our children than their mothers? Moms will do the jobs God intended them to do—cooking and cleaning and getting themselves ready for the moment the man of the house returns home. Marabel Morgan’s 1973 Total Woman concept will finally be the way of the land. Getting rid of women in the workplace will free up lots of jobs for the unemployed. See, Republicans have an easy fix to reducing the unemployment rate.

Also on the home front, we’re going to have to remodel lots of houses and apartments. We’re going to need much larger closets. Closets with no doors. Enough said.

We’re also going back to a time of real entertainment, a time when white singers made hits out of colored singers’ songs (yes, we’re going back to calling Afro-American people “colored). And, listen up Denzel, Will, Samuel L., Cuba, Tyler and all you other colored thespians, there’s just two words we’ll have for you: “Oh, Rochester!” (Young readers might not get that Jack Benny reference, but don’t fret, you’ll catch on in short order). Speaking of short order, as in a stack of pancakes, for you female Black actors, you’ll be competing to be the model of an updated Aunt Jemima portrait.

This country became great in the age of the automobile. Big automobiles. We can trace our decline to the entry of small foreign models in the 1960s (it’s a little like the immigration issue we face today, their taking jobs from Americans who don’t really want to do the dirty work anyway but need a scapegoat to talk about the decline of America). Our downfall began when we tried to make more efficient cars, not caring that we were boxing in our ever-growing torsos into small and smaller spaces. No more. We’re going back to big grilles, oversized bumpers, fins and V-8 engines. We’re going to pave our way to economic freedom. We’re going to drill our way to energy independence. Forget mass transit. That’s for the masses, and we know that just as in America’s past (and present) the elites are the only ones that count.