Memories of a Bible Contest, Russian Vodka and a Ponytail

Every now and then contemporary events reported in the media evoke memories of my past. So it was with last Tuesday’s New York Times article about a Bible quiz of the Tanach, the Jewish Old Testament (BTW, The Times refers to the Jewish Bible as the Tanakh, but I prefer a transliteration of the Hebrew that is more gutteral, hence the “ch” ending  of Tanach with a sound similar to the beginning of the Yiddish word “chutzpah”). 

Anyway, to return to the present and memory at hand, here’s a link to The Times article: https://nyti.ms/2kDSObW.

Fifty-seven summers ago, as an 11-year-old, I competed in the first Bible quiz at Camp Massad Aleph in Tannersville, PA. I was well prepared for this endeavor, having attended six years of intensive Jewish instruction at Yeshiva Rambam in Brooklyn. Of course, all the other contestants my age had similar preparation, though not from Rambam. They came mostly from other Brooklyn Jewish day schools: Yeshivah of Flatbush, or Yeshiva Eitz Chaim, or Yeshiva Bialik, or Shulamith, an all girls school.

Preliminary testing of the 300 or so campers culled the finalists down to three boys from my age group. Years before feminism took hold, camp administrators realized it would be wrong not to have a girl among the finalists. 

She sat next to me on the stage in front of the assembled camp. I can’t remember her name. Nor do I remember any of the questions. I do remember we were the two final contestants and that she answered a question that stumped me. 

For her victory she received a large Bible. As the runner-up, my Bible measured half as large. Same complete text, but in a much smaller font.

Za zdorovje: The Russian toast “for health” is a cruel joke these days, given the outbreak of deaths from tainted vodka. As reported in The Times, a cheap substitute for vodka presumably made from ethanol actually contained methanol which is deadly.

At least 76 unsuspecting drinkers in Irkutsk have died from imbibing the lethal mixture. (https://nyti.ms/2m9doBx)

It is not the first time bad vodka has killed Russians. When Gilda and I took a river cruise from St. Petersburg to Moscow back in 2010 we were told about the time Mikhail Gorbachev tried to cure excessive drunkenness by limiting the sales of vodka in state-run stores to one bottle a month. Thirsty Russians resorted to distilling their own brews. But their vodkas exceeded the safe 40% alcohol levels and many became ill or died.  

Ponytail Down: Two weeks ago during a monthly poker game, Gregg asked aloud if I was still retired. Told I was, he wondered, again aloud, why I didn’t have time to get a haircut. 

Normally a reliable reader of this blog, Gregg had missed or forgotten the December 29 posting in which I wrote I was growing a ponytail to fulfill my wife’s request. Alas, my curly hair becomes a Jewfro which is not, as Gregg diplomatically observed, always appealing. So last week I told Gilda my valiant try at a ponytail would be sheared away. 

While sitting in the haircutter’s chair, I was reminded that about 30 years ago she was set to cut the ponytail that our son Dan had grown during day camp. “Set to cut” because upon further inspection she spotted an all-too-common invasion in any camper’s hair—lice. 

An application of Rit resolved that problem. A week later Rosie clipped off his tail which for many years he kept in a clear plastic storage bag. 

Riches Beyond Belief

I’ve seen the crown jewels of England. I’ve walked Windsor Castle, Versailles and its Austrian knockoff, Schoenbrunn, in Vienna. Vast as their riches were, none of those palaces and their treasures could compare with the opulence and extravagance of the tsars (perhaps only the riches of the Vatican could be its equal or superior). The Armoury Tour of the Kremlin—don’t be fooled by the name, it’s really not a military museum—is a must-see of Faberge eggs, silver and gold icon covers, diamond jewelry, silver and gold plates, crowns and thrones, gowns, official wardrobes and massive horse-drawn carriages. And since it is an Armoury, there’s a small amount of ceremonial rifles, swords and suits of armor.

It’s a wonder any of this ostentatious wealth survived the Revolution. Indeed, some Bolsheviks in the 1920s wanted to sell it off to pay for needed foodstuffs and manufacturing equipment. But the voices of historical tradition prevailed. The legacy of the tsars was saved. Only by seeing the Armoury, and the Romanov palaces in St. Petersburg, can you fully understand how the royals raped their people to live a life of luxury and distance from the masses.

In modern times we gape at the shooting fountains of the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. Modern technology, ha! Peterhof Grand Palace outside St. Petersburg, built by Peter the Great in 1715, has its own shooting fountains which erupt every day to music at 11 am. Like Schoenbrunn, its building was patterned after Versailles. Surrounding it are extensive grounds with fountains that lead to the shores of the Baltic Sea.

As impressive as Peterhof Palace is, one needs to keep in mind that the Nazis completely gutted it. Only a charred shell remained after WWII. In painstaking detail the Russians reconstructed the palace. Indeed, the center of St. Petersburg as well was rebuilt to resemble its pre-war façade. The Soviet Union might have projected a monolithic mien to the outside world, but to its people it preserved history and heritage.

Any European country boasts magnificent churches. Russia is no exception. Russian churches are generally smaller, but what they lack in size they make up for in décor. Naturally, onion domes topped by golden crosses attract immediate attention. Inside, they are adorned by icons and frescoes from floor to ceiling. Many, many churches were destroyed by the Communists (and their priests and nuns executed). But many were retained, not always as working churches. Now, under its current government, Russia has been restoring them and building new churches (and many are joining the priesthood. Regular priests may marry. Only those who choose to join the church hierarchy take vows of celibacy).

Anyone fascinated by cemeteries must travel to Moscow to view the New Cemetery adjacent to Novodevitchy Convent (New Maiden Nunnery—Russian royalty really took the “get thee to a nunnery” dictum to heart. Any time they wanted to rid themselves of a wife, sister, daughter or mother, they simply banished the lady to the nunnery). The cemetery dates back to the 17th century but its New portion opened in 1898 as the resting ground of Russia’s most celebrated composers, directors, writers, poets, generals, businessmen, scientists, and now, with the fall of the Soviet Union, its leaders who no longer get buried near Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square.

What makes the New Cemetery unique is its gravesite monuments are not simply slabs of marble or granite. Rather, they are works of art, life-size or larger statues of the deceased, in striking poses. The head of the circus, a clown by trade, is memorialized on a park bench. The head of telecommunications is depicted making a phone call. Everywhere you turn the dead appear larger than in life. A strikingly beautiful sculpture of a young woman stands beside Raisa Gorbachev’s grave. It’s the way husband Mikhail remembers her.

The Double-Headed Eagle Has Landed

Perhaps you’ve noticed your faithful correspondent has been absent from your inbox lately. Well, the secret can now be told—even retirees go on vacation. Gilda and I just returned from two weeks in Russia, sailing on a river cruise from St. Petersburg to Moscow.

Discovery Channel has its Shark Week. Consider this your Russian Week. I won’t pontificate, not too much, I hope, on deep Russian themes. Rather, for the next several days I’ll provide some pointed observations and tidbits of information you might not have known about Russia:

Russia’s summer has been extraordinary, afflicted by intense heat and peat bog fires around Moscow that shrouded the capital in smog, making breathing for three hours outdoors the equivalent of smoking two packs of cigarettes. Instead of normal temperatures in the 60s and 70s, during the weeks leading up to our trip St. Petersburg and Moscow experienced high 90s and even 100-plus days. We packed accordingly and even managed to bring with us a little Lady Luck, for the weather was just short of perfect for our fortnight in Mother Russia.

The symbol of the Russian empire was the two-headed eagle, facing east and west. Ever the cynics, Russians claimed it symbolized the country did not know which way to turn.

History, according to our guides, is the hardest subject to master in schools because textbooks are rewritten every two years. Russian history has an “unpredictable past,” said our guides. Reminded me of the Texas Board of Education and its respect for accepted knowledge.

Given a choice between order or democracy, between stability or freedom, the Russian people favor order and stability. Democracy is not a good word, a guide said, because “every time we have a weak ruler we have problems.” Putin is well regarded because he is decisive. Gorbachev is reviled because he presided over economic disaster. Yeltsin was considered a buffoon.

Despite the Soviet Union’s anti-religion manifesto, the Russian Orthodox Church has experienced a revival. About 65% of the population, it is estimated, affiliates with the Russian Orthodox Church, though they are not traditionally observant. That would require them to both fast and abstain from sex for more than 200 days a year. Attendance at services is on the rise (pun intended, as there are no seats in the churches. Congregants stand for the two to three hour services in buildings that usually do not have heat, though the Church of the Assumption in the heart of the Kremlin had hot water pipes installed under its cast iron flooring in the 18th century, a form of central heating gaining wider acceptance in the 21st century. By the way, a kremlin refers to any fortress built to protect a population center. Moscow’s Kremlin houses offices of the government and numerous churches where the Tsars were crowned, married, had their children baptized, and were eulogized).

Not so well known is that Stalin reversed his attitude toward the church after WWII, known in Russia as the Second Great Patriotic War (the first was the one against Napolean). Though Hitler promised religious freedom if it would support his attack, the church lined up behind Stalin and the Russian defense of the motherland. After the war Stalin eased up on restrictions and allowed more churches to open and operate.

Russian churches often have superb acoustics and boast exceptional male choirs, usually a quartet whose voices are transformed into resounding multi-layered harmonization. As I write this I’m listening to a CD of the White Lake Vocal Ensemble. Sung in Slavonic, an old, mostly lost language, the hymns are deeply spiritual.

After experimenting with a progressive income tax system, Russia has adopted a flat 13% tax rate on all income. Anyone who owes taxes, or excessive fines, for say, parking violations, cannot leave the country before paying off their debt.

Speaking of parking violations, before perestroika (which means reconstruction), there were about 200,000 cars in Moscow. Today there are close to four million. Understandably, traffic jams abound and there is not enough parking. Moscow installed parking meters, but the public rebelled, vandalizing many of them, forcing their removal. Cars are parked on sidewalks and other illegal places. Police tow trucks are called “black angels.” To relieve some of the parking space deficit, Russia is building vertical garages. Often they are co-op initiatives. People contribute to a building fund for a reserved spot and pay a monthly fee as well. The price of regular gas was around 26 rubles for one litre, equal to around $3.27 for one gallon.

To widen some of the roads in Moscow, buildings were elevated and moved backward several meters. Friday is the busiest traffic day as city dwellers drive to their suburban dachas. Most people have dachas. Under the Soviet Union land was distributed free of charge to all workers thereby inadvertently contributing to the peat bog fires that plagued Russia this summer and in years past. To have enough land to distribute, swampy peat bogs were drained. But without the dampness, peat bogs spontaneously combust in intense heat. It would be political suicide to try to wrest the dachas and land back from the populace to reflood the bogs. So Russia is living proof that no well-intentioned deed goes unpunished.