(Next Thursday, Donald Trump will present his nomination acceptance speech. Here’s my vision of what he will say.)
My fellow Americans.
It is what it is.
I have been humbled. How ironic. I, who am a germaphobe, have been humbled by a germ, a microbe that refuses to go away no matter how many times I say it will just disappear.
So many deaths. So many positive cases. We lead the world in both categories. How humbling it is to lead the world.
Fauci says close down the country. Does that mean even I wouldn’t be able to go golfing? By the way, isn’t it more peaceful now that Fauci had throat surgery and has to limit his public voice?
I hope he listens to his doctor’s advice. That’s good advice for all of you—listen to your doctors, unless, of course, you are smart like me and know where to find medical experts on the Internet. That Internet is really an amazing source of knowledge. As good as Fox News. And the America One Network.
All those people out of work. All those businesses posting signs that they’re out of business. Stop your whining! You all sound like Democrats. Or Black Lives Matter demonstrators crying over a few tear gas droplets. You’d think they were sprayed with coronavirus aerosol.
You know why the Democrats keep harping on those deaths and lost jobs? Because most of those affected were Democrats—poor people with no insurance. No savings. People of color because, you know, the coronavirus is attracted to darker colors. White people have an advantage. As they should.
They’re all crying about being behind on their rent and possibly being evicted. Being put out on the street during a pandemic. Well, they’ve shown no empathy for landlords who’ve lost so much of their incomes. Take it from me—I’ve been a landlord all my life. That’s why Dad and I didn’t want any of those deadbeats as tenants in our housing developments.
Buck up, business people. You think I don’t know a thing or two about going belly up? Heck. Look at me for inspiration. I’ve filed for bankruptcy six times, six times, and now look at me. Ain’t America a grand place to live?!?
Just look at that stock market. You really need to invest your money in the stock market. That’s how you really make money. That and real estate.
Now, I know some of you need every one of your dollars to pay for food and clothing, and of course rent or your mortgage. But seriously, I’ve seen so many of you at my rallies and quite a few of you could afford to skip a few meals and put the savings toward the stock market or a sweet real estate deal.
Take it from me—what have you got to lose?
Just like the wall that Mexico will pay for—oh, yes, they will pay for it—we will get China to pay for the China virus they unleashed on us. Don’t ever doubt my word.
It’s been so hot this summer. And all those fires out West are making it even hotter. You can’t even cool off under a strong shower. Those shower heads have no pressure. That’s why I am rescinding those damn water flow regulations. If American companies won’t go back to the old ways we’ll just have to import shower heads from China.
Oh, wait a minute. I’ve just made shower heads an essential business so we can’t ask China for help. Maybe Vietnam will do it for us? You know, now that we’re not at war with Vietnam I’ve always wanted to visit that country. I hear lots of Americans found Vietnamese women to be rather alluring.
What’s that?—I’ve already visited Vietnam before meeting my good buddy Kim Jong-Un. Oh, well, it is what it is.
You want to know why I don’t criticize Putin? Look what’s happened to Aleksei Navalny. They got him to drink poisoned tea. He’s fighting for his life in a Russian hospital. No way I’m going to take a chance offending that man Putin. He gave me a soccer ball when we met one time. I’m not going to diss someone who gives me presents. He did, after all, gift me the presidency in 2016.
Yeah. Now that the bi-partisan Senate Intelligence Committee, with a Republican majority no less, has concluded that Russia and the Trump campaign worked together to defeat Lyin’ Hillary, it no longer can be denied—Vladimir is my best bro, my comrade. He’s a shorty, but did you see those pecs when he rides shirtless? He’s a man’s man, not like those young Frenchies, Macron and Trudeau. I know, Trudeau is Canadian, but French Canadian. A real Canuck. Just ask my friends up in Maine and New Hampshire about Canucks.
Those bastards at the United Nations don’t want to re-impose sanctions on Iran. They say because we pulled out of the nuclear agreement we no longer have any say on Iran sanctions. Well, I say if they won’t listen to us we’ll just stop giving the UN any of our money. It’s not as if the UN has done anything for us.
It’s just like the World Health Organization. They care more about China and Europe than about the United States. So we left the W-H-O. We’ve got the best doctors and scientists here in America. Some day they’ll beat this pandemic. And when we develop a vaccine we’re not sharing it with any country until all of our people who want to be vaccinated get the shot. You know, there are a lot of good people who are anti-vaxxers.
Democrats are really socialists. Imagine. They want to give everyone a living wage. They want to take back the trillion-dollar tax break I gave the wealthy. And then give it to working class and middle class families. They want the police to stop killing people of color. They think Black Lives Matter. Well, I think Blue Lives Matter. They want to eliminate coal plants. They want to get all our energy from the sun and wind. Crazy. We need more coal plants.
And we need fewer gasoline mileage standards. And we need to open up our national lands to more logging and more drilling for oil and natural gas reserves. Drill baby, drill. And let’s stop coddling Native tribes who don’t want pipelines or drilling on their reservation lands. This is America. This is our land. We won. They lost.
Losers. That’s what all those complainers are. They lost in 2016. Cryin’, Lyin’ Hillary still believes she got more votes than I did. Sleepy Joe was part of the team that led to my victory. Do you really want to go back to a time when people feared their guns would be taken away? When illegal migrants flooded across our border? They blame me for separating families. For kicking illegals out of our country. But Obama started it. I just perfected it.
Those crybaby liberals are letting our great cities burn down. We need more police, not fewer. We need tougher judges. We need more prisons. Those Central Park Five miscreants should still be in jail, not lauded in documentaries.
The media, the left wing fake news media, is the greatest danger to our freedom. We need to punish them. We need to loosen libel laws. We need to knock social media giants down to a size where they cannot use their biases to deny conservative commentary on their web sites.
It’s time everyone came together to recognize our great Christian nation is exceptional. God has blessed us all, especially me, singling me out to lead our country through troubled times. In years to come Hollywood will make a movie out of our endeavor.
Who do you think should play me? Mel Gibson? Jon Voight? Clint Eastwood? Chuck Norris? Gee, if only Charlton Heston were still alive.
In a little more than two months it will be time to cast your votes. Democrats think they’ll swamp us by voting by mail. They’re encouraging all those seniors to vote by mail. They only want more benefits, more handouts.
Let’s submerge their strategy by voting by mail as well. Let’s overwhelm the Postal Service.
I stand before you eager for another four year term as your president, and for more terms after that, as well. We’ll see what we can do about that. I gratefully accept your nomination for president.
And don’t believe any of those nasty rumors that Melania will leave me once I no longer am president. She’s a great First Lady.
God bless the USA.